
By Bill Dixon
As I walk into the grocery store I glance down at the stack of baskets nested next to the entrance and make the same poor decision I make every time I stop at the store to “grab just a couple things.” I don’t take a basket.
There are a couple reasons for this. First, there is some unfounded hubristic macho bullshit thinking I summon where I convince myself, “I’m a man. A man carries things with his hands. What, am I in some French fairytale, skipping through the produce section with my red cape and picnic basket? No sir, if these hands can chisel granite they certainly can carry milk and eggs 25 feet.” I can’t navigate a hammer to a nail, I couldn’t chisel a block of cheddar without a flesh wound, but grocery baskets are where I decide to draw a line in the mud to defend my masculinity.
The second rationalization is more coherent, but nevertheless just as ineffective. Opting to forgo the basket is a sort of self imposed financial safeguard. The hypothesis is as follows: There is only so much I can carry with my hands; therefore, I will end up purchasing less than I would if I had a basket to fill. I understand my own limitations and know I cannot be trusted with the capacity to carry more stuff because I don’t know my own limits because I am a child.
But all this really means is that instead of shopping like a human being, equipped with adequate transport for selected goods, I’m crawling down aisle 4 on my hands and knees, balancing 12 boxes of Cap’n Crunch on my back, shaking bags of Doritos in each hand like maracas while chasing a fugitive 2-liter bottle of Cherry Coke Zero as it rolls down the aisle.
I look up at horrified shoppers, desperately trying to explain, “The Cap’n Crunch, you see, you save 19 cents but you have to buy 12 boxes. But I thought I was just getting bread, you see, so I didn’t bother with the basket. I’m sorry, sir, could you pick up that avocado and just shove it down in my pocket there? Also, do you know what aisle the bread is in?”
I finish my basketless shopping and approach checkout. The woman at the register, currently serving a single customer, directs me to the self checkout. Fine.
I walk up to the first self-checkout station I see and heave my assortment of breakfast cereals and salty snacks onto the small aluminum platform next to the machine.
“Excuse me, sir.” I turn to see a middle aged woman in a Ralph’s uniform waving her hand at me “Sir, this machine is off. You can use one of the other three that are currently active. See,” she points to a small numbered light box above the machine, “Light’s off.”
“I’m sorry, can’t you just turn this one on?”
The woman smiles the sort of smile you employ as a professional courtesy. A smile that says, “Fuck you and thank you for shopping at Ralph’s.”
She says, “I’m sorry sir, we only have three units on right now. Feel free to use any of these three.” Her finger bounces from unit to unit to unit.
I look back down at the machine I’m at, “Is this one on break?” I return the smile of professional courtesy.
“No, it’s just we only have three units on during the day because we want to save energy and—” she continues an explanation as I start stacking things back into my arms with all the confidence and ease of a 10-year-old building a Jenga tower without the loading tray.
I finish loading my arms up and begin creeping to the next station. By now, an audience is forming disguised as a line of shoppers. As I teeter back and forth like a juggler on a unicycle, I think how I could have been a brilliant Vaudeville act. This is when the tower came crumbling down onto the floor.
I raise my newly liberated hands to the sky, “Jenga!”
“Excuse me, sir! Sir! Could you please pick your items up now, Sir.”
“No, I can’t.”
The professional smile has vacated her face leaving the pink hue of anger or frustration, “I’m sorry sir, you can’t leave your items here, there are other people waiting!”
Here comes the indignant macho bullshit again, “I’m sorry, lady, but I can leave this stuff here. You know why? Because I don’t fucking work here! I don’t want to ring up my own groceries, I don’t want to bag my own groceries and I certainly don’t want to be the ‘clean up on aisle 7’ guy. Get the fucking robot who isn’t ringing people up to unbolt himself, grab a broom and clean this shit up because I’m not doing it!”
I wait for uproarious applause but there is none. The shoppers are unimpressed and seeing the spill, they realize it may be a couple minutes until they get their turn at the register where their impromptu part-time job awaits.
The woman leans down, diverting her gaze, and starts cleaning up my mess. She is embarrassed but I can’t tell whom she is embarrassed for, herself or me.
She didn’t ask for this. This isn’t her fault. Her name is probably something like Sue Ellen and she probably hates working here.
Ashamed, I make my way towards the front door. Then, I grab one of the baskets nested next to the entrance and run back to where Sue Ellen is still bent over trying to pile everything into her hands.
I lean down and together we start piling things into the basket.
“You shoulda’ had this to begin with,” Sue Ellen whispers, still avoiding eye contact.
“Well, I didn’t realize you would have such a deal on Captain Crunch.” I look around the floor, “Shit…I think I forgot the bread.”